Mountain Top

The last two weeks have felt as though...

...I were climbing a steep mountainside thickly covered with brush and trees that blocked my view. There was no pathway, so I was forcing my way along being tugged and pulled at every step. There were even a few landslides where I lost my footing and stumbled or had to dodge bouncing bolders headed straight at me!

This is the picture that comes to mind regarding getting an SBA loan!

I've gotten mortgages before, which are complicated important legal contracts, full of details that can cost a lot of money for the fool who assumes the best or over-looks a detail. A business loan is all of that times THREE.

We had been assured by Maaco that we'd have 6 weeks to close this monster, which is about right! Two items on my checklist required even more time than that, so I got those done before any hint of which date we'd need to close by... October 10, November 3 or even December or January!

On September 16th we received our first suggestion, "October looks good based on your construction progress" - the official word came on the 19th... IF we could get the loan closed!

OCTOBER!

I guessed I'd have about 3 weeks, which is half of what we needed, but maybe if I pushed hard, we could get it all done in three weeks? I dived in with enthusiasm! I started the process on everything on my Closing Checklist, dating my contacts and messages and crossing them off as they were finished and in the hands of Jennifer at CIT, my Closer.

On the 19th, I was very excited and hopeful... VERY excited and hopeful! The following week I realized how hard some of these items would be to get! A simple signiture took 3 follow up calls! The business insurance bids were getting hung up in proceedural checks. And that Life Insurance was taking it's sweet time on desks and piles and traveling around at snail pace!! I called Matt, my uncle/agent, and caught him up to speed on my timeline!

What exactly WAS my timeline?! I called Jenn, too, to clarify I had 'til the 10th. Oh, no. Oh my, NO! She needed 7 days, she said, and Matt needed 5.... how many did Maaco need?! They wanted the loan closed BEFORE Training began! And Training in October began on the 6th!

So, during the final week of September I learned that it was my ONLY week to close this loan.

But like the excited, enthusiastic fool that I was, I didn't give up. I should have called up someone at Maaco and taken out my frustration on them regarding their LACK of communication!!!!!! Who would lose, tho, by my giving up. Me. My husband. My family.

What if we could do it?

I was able to have medical records faxed directly to the Insurance company, saving 1-3 weeks off the process. That was enough to encourage me to TRY the rest. I pushed on everyone, the relunctant signers, the insurance agents, the people who never answered their phones. And I tracked down every receipt, every check, every dollar sent and changed our bank account to reflect our new endeavor.... 'cause we were gonna go ALL THE WAY!!!!

Every day Jeremy and I asked each other whether we were going to make it or not. Every day we weren't sure. But for two years we'd been trying. We had the same conversation over and over.... if we were ever going to give up, we should have walked away last Spring when we could have filed a lawsuit and gotten our money back out, at least.

Every morning I woke up and checked my email on my cell phone. At 6am, I didn't have anything, yet, but as everyone on the East Coast got working, my phone would buzz "incoming". I could follow along while I got the boys ready for school, and then at 7:30 am, I'd get to work. I'd clarify the problem or obstacle and then figure out a way around or through it. If I couldn't come up with a solution on my own, I took it to Jeremy and we'd see it from another angle.

I didn't make the Monday deadline Jenn and I had discussed, but we wrapped up the business insurance and the automatic withdrawals. The only item remaining was the Life Insurance. Tuesday we rec'd the message that Jeremy was "approved" and I paid a year's premium personally, asking for assistance personally, too!

Wednesday looked like it just couldn't be done, but that night Matt gave me an idea and Thursday morning I got Jenn all the proof she needed that the policy and Collateral Assignment would be written... and she was able to deliver our documents to a lawyer for review and overnighting to us.

Friday we signed... and notarized the Loan Documents, including a direct request that CIT pay the first payment to Maaco the following Monday.

Friday evening we celebrated - somberly. We ate out with friends, but our exhileration was dulled by the fact glaring at us now.... Jeremy was going to Training on Sunday. We had ONE more day together for packing and he would have to leave for 4 weeks! There's just no levity or flippant enjoyment at looking down the barrel of that sort of sentence.

So... basically, I worked harder than I ever have, accomplishing more than I ever did before, and all to send my husband away within hours. OUCH! But not just to send him away... no.

Now he is learning how to run our business, getting along with those East Coast attitudes and Maaco knowledgeable personas! My job may be more demanding... taking care of our home and four children without his help, but I think it's much preferred!!

"The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, yes! I have a good inheritance!!"

This is really a transition. We passed the starting line finally, and we're on to Training followed by Installation and Hiring tumbling towards Opening Day and a new life for the Armstrongs!!!

Raving MAD about TOO MUCH

Sometimes I just feel GRUMPY! I feel like complaining, blabbing the worst... dumping, unloading, unleashing, moping, growling and criticizing. A smart person would realize the spewing nasty nonsense and SHUT UP! But not me! Oh, no. I blabb to my husband and then spew to a friend and then to another friend... I hollar at the kids, who are in the same state of mind, of course. The problem? the horrible, trouble-causing issue?! We're having too much fun.

It's true.

Sad.

Grrrrrrrrrr..... got a problem with that, do ya?!

Don't get me wrong, I LIKE to have FUN. I enjoy playing and doing stuff and going places and meeting people and hanging out in new situation.... well, no I don't! Not really! I like to stay home! I like my house clean! I like my schedule and my kids' schedule and the predictablilty! I like going to bed having already thought about everything. I LIKE not waking up dreaming all night long about weird things and people. I mean, last night I saw a volcanoe explode and kids running out of the way and all kinds of other unsettling weird things! My little ones both begged me to sleep with them... and it was tempting!

NO..... I like it when I slip out to the living room early in the morning and open the windows to summer sunrise. I relish reading a chapter or two over a cup of coffee before anyone else is awake! But not now! OH, no. This week we're having too much fun for calm and quiet. We're having too much fun to get along.

And if I may continue my absolutely stupid complaining, may I add that some people wish we could cram a little MORE into our week?! I mean, there's always MORE to be had! If we just looked a little harder... did a little more RESEARCH, we could uncover some of the MORE that's being had all around us! There's camps! Programs! Book shares! Lessons! Friends to have over, birthdays to go to, FAIRS galore! There's parks and hikes and beaches... boats and trains and drives... toys to buy, restaurants to eat at, trips!! There's trips to go on! Water parks, hotels with pools and MORE, MORE, MORE!!!!!!!!!

I don't want to throw ice water on everyone's FUN, but am I the only person that is grasping frantically at the "nothings" that make my summer memorable and meaningful?! Don't get me wrong. I don't care if I am the only one that doesn't think summer is all about vacations and "what you did last summer".

You want to know what I remember?! The cool breeze of 5:30 am when the sun's already risen. The clear sky beyond our treed horizon. The happy hours spent splashing in kiddie pools and collecting tiny apples in socks. The basement feeling of the air in the shop on a hot day. Exchanging smiles with the son that's helping Dad and washing his blackened hands for the third time. Downloading the over-exuberant picture-taker's 300 pictures of odd things. Finding a picture of a cheeze sandwich on MY camera! Creating tags for mailing packages - actually making a few dollars on Amazon! Watching our oldest son step into being a big kid. Learning again the joys of our second-born for myself. Playing with our girl's hair for as long as she'll let me! Talking, talking, talking, talking late into the night with my best friend night after night. Waking up to a midnight kiss when the moon is full. The peacock cries from our neighbor's houses at all hours. Laughing at our 4 year old's perfect comments. Helping tow a truck up the hill... successfully! Looking forward to blackberry season. The feeling of Blessing after putting away over $200 in groceries. Knowing there's something to eat again! Spending hours on the computer deepening friendships. Receiving another bouquet of dandylions.

Give me "summer" and keep your "fun".

True Love

Jeremy and my 10 year Anniversary is only a couple days away. Looking over our pictures I came accross this poem I wrote, and I couldn't believe it! For one, I like it. But I can't believe I gave it to him when we'd only known each other 3 1/2 weeks!!!! We were crazy kids, even if we were 27. Nowadays there's a lot more, "you always..." and "you never..."s which is so petty and stupid, but there's more depth, too, and when we say, "I love you" we know who it is we're saying that to!

In honor of Beginnings and surviving 10 years (and 4 kids), I thought I'd finally go public with this romantic poem. You gotta know I'm blushing as I copy...


To: Jeremy
A Poem
How do I feel?
Let me tell you...
From: Laura
2/23/98

My senses have been flooded
with a whirlpool of colors and emotions
I want to pause,
stop,
rest... just a moment.

A moment
A drop of time to gaze at the colors
to contemplate their meaning.

I see
I feel,
I see a backdrop of hazy, misty green,
A soft, foggy confusion
that penetrates the corners.
Spots of intensity flow by me
Swirling
Swooshing,
Trailing tails like comets
Blues, purples, deep, deep reds -
Oh! all the colors of the rainbow!
Yet so intense
To gaze at one is to be overwhelmed...
Your hugs,
Your eyes,
Your hand asking for mine...
....oh! your eyes!
Gazing steadily into mine
I have to look away!
Yet you gaze on...
No, I cannot focus on the bright, flying colors.

Then I see your words
Your expressed thoughts.
They hold less shape, their outlines softer,
Flexing,
Remolding,
Shifting
"The more I know you, WHO YOU ARE is what
I've always wanted in a woman"
"You are beautiful"
"We have the same heart!"
"Mine! All mine!"
(I am yours!)

But there's more... more! (always more)
Dizzy with the colors, the emotions,
I try to focus...
Behind these
Encompassing these
flowing right through all these
Are the deepest spots
Hard to define
Hard to see, let alone clarify -
Yet they are the substance of the rest.

It is the moment your eyes first lock on mine,
The expression of awed pleasure
that flows over your face
like a cloud-shadow on the countryside.
Your intake of breath as I take your arm.
It is that unexpected moment
I turn into your surprise embrace.
That first time I heard your heart beat
watching the river in the rain.
That "Oh!" you whisper
when you reach out to gently touch
my face

Shshshshsh....

Oh, I am speechless
words have ceased
thoughts melted away.
I sit in silence.
I am overwhelmed
and a little frightened.

(Whisper!)
How do I respond to such a man?
What can I say?
What can I do?
How do I tell him... You?

I have seen you with my mind,
calculated my response,
tried to hold my own...
But you have swept me away
So that I seek for my footing again.

Oh, I could soak a long time
In the impressions you have flooded me with.

Do I dare draw near you again?

My entire being,
My whole soul longs for your company -

Yet, I will keep this moment,
Just a spot of time
To gaze in wonder
To relax
To float
To spin slowly, more gently
In this whirlpool,
'Til I feel the ground again
Under my feet
And I know who I am
who I have been
And who I dream to be
Again.

Then I will
Draw near you
To see you
Be with you...
(With you!)
My own, dear Jeremy.

Aaaaaargh!

THE COOKIE-CUTTER SCHOOLS

I am so mad! I am so frustrated! I want to gather my children together under my wings and demand the world leave them alone. How can they judge my children?! How can anyone say their standard is the right one?! Can't they see their faulty system themselves?!?! This school system with it's tests thinks they know my child, but I can see they don't know any of the children. They pass each one through the same testing system, calling it "personalizing" by grouping together similarly-achieving students. What about the kid at the bottom of the "smart" group? Her scores don't look so great in the book, don't show how smart she really is.

I remember... I remember moving to England for 3rd and 4th "year" which was my 4th and 5th "grade" in the US. Suddenly I was at the very bitty bottom of my class, quickly figuring out how to fill my pen with ink and use a blotter and play that recorder. They thought I was stupid and too tall.

These teachers at school have so many suggestions and ideas for me. "Don't worry about spelling", says one, "everyone uses spell-checks nowadays, anyway." "He really needs to work on his spelling", says another, "here's a curriculum that might help! It costs about $100." I worked so hard with my son on spelling last year. This year I decided to volunteer to give his spelling test, so at least the score would reflect what he actually knows. I graded two groups of tests today. One person did well in his group and got 100%, another struggled with the harder test and got only 60%. In the easier group one of the kids decided he didn't care that day and got most of them wrong, whereas one girl easily got her 100%. Does anyone besides the teacher recognize the difference between the 100% on the easier test versus the 60% on the harder test?!

How about when Moms drop off their 2-4 year olds in Sunday School and they're crying. There's the Mom that watches nearby until her kid is happy. The Mom that brings her kid with her to the big service if he doesn't leave his tearful post by the entrance after 10 minutes... and sits with him in the very front row so he can see good... just last Sunday. I've spent lotsa days in the classes, too - I was the Preschool department for a while at one church.

So, now I'm the Mean Momma that won't let my 3rd grader get on a Canoe with 40 other people. The teacher called me at home to say he'll be the "only one" not going, and, actually "the only one EVER" to not go. It reminds me of convincing the "helpful" SS Teacher to hand me back my child 'cause it's not OK with me that he's not OK. Some people are so certain they know what's right for other people's kids.

I feel like saying to the school... "give me back my kid. You don't know how to test him. You don't know how he's really doing and it's not my fault or HIS fault that your system is so limited! and, by the way, NO! I don't want him on a Canoe with you!!" Well, actually, we did stop the re-testing and the Canoe thing, much to everyone's flabbergastedness, which is somewhat satisfying. But I want to block their opinions from approaching my son's understanding, too... I don't want him to see their classifications, their test scores, their pre-set ideas of his success rates. I don't want him to decide that they're right, 'cause they don't "get him", yet, and he doesn't fit in their system.

PHOOEY on systems, I say!

DELIBERATE

My new favorite word is "deliberate". My huge Webster's dictionary that I only use for pressing flowers says "characterized by or resulting from unhurried, careful, thorough, and cool calculation and consideration of effects and consequences... slow, unhurried and steady..." Sheesh! No wonder I squish flowers with the tedious thing!!! What I mean is just as complicated, but very personal....

"Living each moment purposefully, enjoying each character around me, either because I was prepared, planned for it, or as if I mean to be in this moment, striving to consider future moments as necessary for the purpose of making them more meaningful to those I love and myself without giving them exagerated worry."

To Highlight.... Jeremy and I are coming up on our 10th Anniversary. 10 years!!! It's been harder and easier than I imagined, and definitely flown by faster! Nothing is more important than pausing to enjoy each other when the moment strikes... we pause and talk (or kiss) at some spontaneous moment, and we steal that moment from whatever else was supposed to be happening. Oh yes, we will send the children, all 4 children, to a 10 x 12 space so we can have an uninterupted (pretty much) conversation, pinning them there for an unspecified amount of time.

Our four kids are wonderful, LOUD, BUSY mini-nuclear-reactors. Everywhere I go I find unwanted sympathy, which is so easy to capitolize on. What I mean is, I find the general mindset to conclude "overwhelming" everywhere I turn. Often I feel a bit overwhelmed. Often I accept the sympathy before realizing it's meant to a deeper degree than I'm experiencing, at which point it's difficult to backtrack and say, "no, no... I'm actually having nearly as much fun as my entourage!" I do pass the "controllable" limit more often than I like. I do stay at home more than my kids like. With that admitted, WE HAVE A BLAST!!!!! We have fun as a group and fun in so many combinations that I pity the families with less action.

I must dive into a few details... Camten and Aidan love getting dirty, finding bugs, imaging worlds unexplored and can share vivid imaginary scenes hilarious to watch. Shad can match his Dad on video games, so the competition takes off to the enjoyment of all of us. Trinity can twirl and dance with a kicked-up heal to a commercial or Dora the Explorer or Mom's worship music in the kitchen. Each kid helps in VERY individual ways. Aidan is a Chef that chops and stirs and creates masterpieces with his creative mind. Shad precisely sets the table or mixes juice without a spill. I have to encourage him to hurry with the waffle-making or they'll be cooked before he's finished precisely pouring the batter! Camten speaks so seriously and comically at the same time with such strong opinions. These treasured moments go on and on, always changing and adjusting, always funner than before. I LOVE enjoying each of these moments purposefully.

Recently we found a diet (yes, a DIET) that is specifically and only about LIVING IN EACH MOMENT. The entire foundation, as I understand it, is to set down the fork and actually taste each bite, listening to my body for that "full" signal that will be coming much sooner than I expect it. Last night I barely finished the first half of what I considered a good portion when I felt full - oh, but each bite was SO delicious!!!! I remember the blending of flavors right now!! There was ground beef seasoned just right with a crunchy taco shell that was slightly corn-tasting, the sour cream hit the spot with just a touch of cheeze, a touch of salsa and that refreshing touch of shredded lettuce. WOW! A very regular American "taco" turned gourmet!

Last night when I cleaned up after dinner I realized a few things. 1. I have always over-eaten at dinner time. I feel it's my "right" as a hard-working Mom to eat too much at night. 2. That feeling of exhaustion and frustration at having to clean up dinner at all CAME FROM being so stuffed I could hardly move! (Not from working so hard all day, like I always told myself.) 3. It felt GREAT to NOT eat too much! This was a shocking surprise for me, so I have to count it. The result is, I am SO looking forward to my next meal, even though I am SO looking forward to not eating much of it! My new "diet" has nothing to do with Limitations, everything to do with Enjoying the Moment... which is what I love to do best.

Peace... a different perspective.

"And the peace of God, which surpasses understanding, will guard your minds and hearts in Christ Jesus."

The PEACE of God... "He shall hide you under His wings" - it's being in a safe place. Not so much like a chicken, able to hold so many baby chicks under her flightless feathers... more like an 80lb. Pitbull dog. Her new pups confidently wiggle between her powerful legs and under her powerful head. No one approaches those puppies without her absolute attention. No one touches them without her cautious permission. I saw an eagle in the wild this week - awesome in it's hugeness. It cried out with a call that lingered so long I had to stop and look up to see who had so little fear! Only right above the tall evergreens, it was HUGE, riding the thermal heat, I suppose, just like I've seen on TV. I watched until it was so high I doubted that it was such a big bird. Hiding, riding, under those wings is an awesome idea... soaring high above the worries and concerns of the world, confident master without fear.

God is more awesome than an eagle, scarier than a pitbull dog. No one can touch His children without His seeing, knowing, allowing. And His children have no need to worry, for He carries them far above "all that". LORD, open my eyes to see... my emotions want to feel, to know Your refuge. But even if I can't perceive it, THANK YOU, LORD!!!

Raising Kids

This is SO huge. Everyone is so opinionated, too. Right from birth people are telling new parents what to do - before, actually. There's so many ways to get it wrong, maybe, or so many things to remember. It's not enough to feed, cloth, and bathe 'em. And everyone has a different opinion of the progress or the goal.



I have said and believe that LOVE comes first, and will cover a ton of mistakes. ("Mistake" being a concept assuming there's a plumb line somewhere, which, quite frankly, is really, really vague.)



What's next?! Food is a good place to start - kids are expensive! They have their own opinions, which have nothing to do with nutrition, too. So, how much to spend? How often to give into requests? Take for example the sudden onslaught of before-bed hunger. Someone could remark that no one needs to eat immediately before sleeping. But what if it's the 4 yr. old that didn't get much to eat at dinner? Consistantly?! Do I send him to bed hungry with big, blue eyes tearing up and a tummy growling? Do I just give in to him and make the others go to bed "hungry"? Good grief. I have compromised to what delicious treats are available - it's a banana or nothing. "Can I have two bananas, Mom? Pleeeeeaaaaaase?" begs my oldest. Even an ultimatum has room for negotiation, apparently. I need to go buy more bananas.



Since Daddy's at home a lot, we do a ton together as a family. We had a snowball fight this week and built a snowman. We watched Spiderman 2 & 3 together two nights in a row. (Camten's still squirting webbing all over as he swings around the house.) At homework time, everyone finds something to work on or quietly plays in the bedroom. There's pictures being colored, all kinds of writing and paper-cutting and even gluing on occasion. Aidan reads his books to all of us making us guess what will happen next. Shad usually determines how long Homework Time is - if he gets right to it, it's quite short, but he can dink around and extend it to an hour or more. He's got the most, being the oldest.

Sometimes I wish I could describe every minute of what we do to all those opinionated people out there. There's a good chance they could add a suggestion that would fit perfectly. But then I hit my mental wall of "Perfection". If I perceive I should be doing something differently than I am - by reading a professional "how to" or listening to someone's ideas - I take on the extra burden. I carry an extra SHOULD on top of all the rest I'm trying to fulfill. I am so quick to point out my Mistakes to myself, too. More great suggestions are very like more personal ammo.

Failure is not an option raising kids, you know.

So... I don't know what comes after Love. We're working on Confidence right now and Freedom of Expression. (Maybe I taught more of my Perfectionism before Expression that reduced Confidence along the way.) I'm also focusing on getting through the stuff we don't like so we can spend more time on the stuff we DO like... or NOT procrastinating. (Which I'm sure I also accidently taught.) Pretty serious concepts for a bunch of little people... I mean, for ME!