Foreign Influences

Two things I hold onto from when I was 10. Two things I learned that no one can take away from me... from the British culture.

The First is my handwriting. I don't write like an American girl, but I do write in a common way somewhere. When I first returnd from England at 11 yrs, I meticulously fixed my "f" - the American version was MUCH preferred. That was a LOT of work and took hours of practice. There's no way I could change my entire alphabet... and now, there's no way I'd want to. I've seen stamps with my kind of handwriting... you know, the indicipherable kind with drawn out bumps that looks like a mysterious poet's letter. Mom found a journal once with Linguistic notes in my handwriting - a beautiful journal. It wasn't mine, but it looked like I wrote it - well, at least to all of us. Except for those "f"s. That's how I know I write quite commonly somewhere.

The Second in the "continental" style of proper eating - the correct manner of using fork and knife, etc. This one I usually hide, especially in public. If I cut a piece of meat and eat it right off the fork without switching to the right hand, I'm totally violating American Etiquette and I can feel that I'm being watched.... like someone might watch the Mowgli eat, having rescued him from the Jungle. No one's actually said anything, so sometimes I blatently enjoy myself MY way. But I value the art of not standing out, so more often I conform just enough. Except for breakfast! I fix one egg on one piece of toast and eat it delicately smushing my bite onto the back of my fork with my knife in very proper Continental style. I slowly enjoy my breakfast every morning and I always place my knife and fork in the "finished" position before taking my plate to the sink and reverting to American Mom.

It's funny to have lived in another World for only two years of my life and find that it changed two small parts of me so completely.

Well, there is a Third major difference, actually. It's harder to describe and less visible, though. My point of World View is different. From my daily activities to how I think my country should act, I am more reserved and self-contained and value maintaining myself over maintaining those around me... or rather, I believe that BY maintaining myself I can best influence those around me. This Difference, unlike the other two, actually matches my character and makes me feel connected to Europe in general, and Finland, in particular, although I've never been there.

Before you think I'm Unpatriotic, though, let me add that I've traveled enough to see that God protects us in the United States. I think it's because of our founding father's honoring Him in the beginning. There is a terrible lack of blessing all over the world from so many years of rejecting God. It's sad to think of where our country is trying so hard to go.... but right now, the blessings still linger - there's protection, an absence of terrible-ness and great potential for personal success here. In Daniel the Angel Gabriel mentions a Prince of Persia and a Prince of Greece in Daniel 10:20-21. I am not saying I know or saw anything, but each country or area feels different spiritually. As I think of what to write, I think of how many ways I can get myself in trouble with assumptions that may or may not be anywhere's close to the truth. It's a thought, anyway - that different areas are oppressed by specific Princes with strengths and weaknesses that are reflected in the areas they govern - spiritual seen in the visible.

Forgiven and Forgiving...

Refresher Course... on The Unforgiving Servant.

I LOVE/HATE this parable out of Matthew 18:21-35. Jesus has such a great grasp on the real perspective of things. The trick is that when someone does me wrong, I don't think about God in that moment. When someone owes me something, in a figurative, it's real. The injury is real, the wrong is real, the emotions of frustration and anger are all real. But Jesus never denies any of that, He just points out that the debt owed me is not as great as the debt I owed God.

As long as I'm focusing on the Wrong there's no way I can forgive. All I can see it the Reality of the Wrong done to me. The only thing I can do is make a sort of mental note that sends that person to prison regarding our relationship. I don't communicate freely like prison bars between us. I feel some satisfaction as if I'm making him pay.

What I don't realize is that those bars I see... I'm looking out from the INSIDE. I'm the one who's in prison - I'm the one who feels the effect of my treasured Debt of Wrong. Even more than the person I wanted to "make pay" is in prison, the Prison holds ME - my emotions, my reactions, my thoughts.

If I let time pass in that state, I won't even remember how I got there. I won't know why the relationship is so strained. Eventually, the prison I put myself in would effect my relationship with other, innocent people until I changed to become an Inmate - a bitter, resentful, suspicious person.

By making someone pay for the wrong they did me, MY character is destroyed.

Why did God set it up that way? Why did He make someone else's problem be MINE?! Maybe because of the Cross... where He made all my problems HIS. Maybe this is a way to become more like Christ... OR ELSE!

One more thing... Jesus says we must forgive from the heart. Even when I look at God and His amazing grace and mercy towards me, I am still mad at my offender. When I speak the words, "I forgive", I often growl them out of gritted teeth. That's hardly heart-felt and definitely embarrassing to admit!

But a weird thing happens quite quickly... my heart does turn around. Either the power of speaking something out loud, or the small step of trying in the right direction, draws God to act and finish the work for me. After saying it, over only a few hours, even, I feel it - or rather, my eyes are opened to the incredible act of Forgiveness that God, through Jesus, gave ME, and my gratefulness grows larger, and how much I was forgiven starts to eclipse the offense I was wronged. Shortly after that, I feel the freedom of being released from that awful Prison. I no longer see my offender through irritated glasses, and the whole world seems brighter.

You know what? No wonder Jesus spoke this stuff in a Parable!! As simple and wonderful as forgiveness is, it's really complicated to explain how it feels to ME. So... if you managed to read through all that... double kudos! Next time I'll just copy Matt. 18:21-35!!!

Thoughts on the Power of Counsel

Ahithofel was one of those super-wise guys. His counsel to King David and his son, Absolom, was unerring... perfect in every way. When he spoke, he was right, and whatever he said, the King did.

"And the counsel of Ahithophel, which he gave in those days, was as if one had inquired at the oracle of God. So was all the counsel of Ahithophel both with David and with Absalom." II Sam. 16:23

I have been in Counsel positions before. In fact, that's probably why I love working with Jeremy. There is something so satisfying in examining a situation and knowing the best way to act next. It is extremely gratifying to give counsel to someone that is actually followed.... and it turns out to be "great"!

Maybe that is one of the Perks of a wife's position from God's point of view. But not all wives want to know their husbands' business dealings besides a small summary. I can understand that point of view, too. It would feel like stepping outside of the stressful spotlight and only worrying about what to buy next! ha!

Imagine for a minute, though, that you are a Counselor to someone who runs something.

I started my counseling working for Dad and Net Works Ministries down in Mexico. It was exhilerating! For a time, every counsel I gave was followed. I am not Ahithofel, so if I was off a bit, I just adjusted and commented on the current path as if I'd had some say in it's direction. I felt so important and essential to the Ministry - so fulfilled. But I remember the exact period of time when my Counsel was no longer considered anymore. I had been away a while and other people had taken that position - that was never a spoken or acknowledged position. I suddenly found I had no place there. The feeling was indescribable... I had to get out of there. I waited until I had a ride to Oregon and left Mexico and that Ministry for the final time. Thank God I was not Ahithofel!

"Now when Ahithophel saw that his counsel was not followed, he saddled his donkey, and arose and went home to his house, to his city. Then he put his household in order, and hanged himself, and died; and he was buried in his father's tomb." II Sam 17:23

For me that was my transition into being free to find my husband, to whom I became closest Counsel. My husband is an amazing business man with a gift for selling things and a love of taking risks. I am a perfect match for him. We can talk about all the details and figure out big decisions together ...and he has me do some yucky stuff like phone calls or actual manual labor sometimes (I know, it's terrible!) But the most satisfying, fulfilling thing I do is listen and think about what to do next and share my Counsel with him.

Who else was a Counselor? Daniel... Pontius Pilates' Wife... Jezebel! Peter thought he was! :-) Paul often had a traveling companion - Silas or Mark, Pharoah had some bad help with taking on those plagues...

...which brings up a good point. God cared about the Counsel, whether it was good or bad, but He had His own plans that He was able to accomplish regardless of the Counsel - like how Ahithofel was defeated to save David or Pharoah accomplished God's purposes in being so terribly plagued!!!

Crying can be beautiful...

I have a picture in my mind... as beautiful as a Teardrop.

Two elderly people have been struck age and sickness quite all of a sudden. The man has to be helped to do everything, needs help to stand and to walk to his disgust. He has always depended on the presence of his wonderful wife as a companion and help-meet. She has been found to be sick, and her health is such that even trying to treat what is treatable is impossible until she can lay down, stand up and breath better. She keeps getting admitted into the hospital even when she thinks she might be improving. The two of them see each other, having spent a week apart, a hard, revealing week apart, and they hold each other and cry. They hold each other.

I am crying. I love them both so much. They have led beautiful lives, and it seems so unfair to face so much all at once! I don't know if they can see how much they have meant to their families in the middle of this pain. I don't know if they care how great the legacy that they have given us is, and it IS great. Every time I hear a squirrel scolding I think of walks I took with Grandma. Every time I smell Earl Grey I am with her. Every steak I broil will be with skill I learned from her, every biscuit, every homemade Clam Chowder. Every time I think of their phone number I remember the phone number to the old Thriftway store Grandpa owned. He was my first boss and taught me to never steal and to treat others with respect and honor, while enjoying people. I could go on and on about all the Holiday gatherings at their house and the tree that had so many gifts under it, they took up half the huge living room. They bought more than they needed for every fund raiser from all the grandkids and great-grandkids. Maybe we should share with them how Thankful we are for what they've done and been for us all these years... but who wants to imply their legacy is drawing near an end? Oh, I wish they could continue living as they have, together.

This mental picture is so beautiful... I hold them in my heart as they hold each other, and I cry with them as I pray that they can both return home soon for more, good, healthy days.

Is there such a thing as a Submissive Matriarch?

When I took Social Studies way back whenever that was, I learned that there are very few Matriarchal societies. Frankly, I beg to differ.

I know a system that works really well right in the United States of America. It's not announcing it's presence or rallying for political votes, but it thrives in it's hidden underground.

At the very top of the tier is the Top Momma, the ultimate Matriarch, that is in charge of every family detail under her jurisdiction. Every daughter, daughter-in-law, grand-daughter or great-grand-daughter falls under her influence. Each man married to any of these women has his own part in hiding the system as well as obeying it. Each child born into the system follows it completely without knowing it exists. Should a sudden emergency rise, the woman highest in rank at the situation pulls her husband or son aside as if conferencing or discussing what "they" think. The Man then emerges knowing how to respond confidently. Everyone looks to the Man, since he is the speaker, as if he's "wearing the pants". His wife or mother is in the background behind him, or not even in the vacinity, and she never needs to speak again regarding the situation once her decision is known, so great and thorough is her power and control.

When a Ruling Matriarch of a large family decides she must step down, there is a passing on of the authority to the next in line. Usually a few woman are establishing their own, growing families under themselves already, and the exchange is wordlessly smooth, with the Grand Momma being taken care of in her old age in turn.

What happens, though, if the next in line refuses to accept her authority? What if she does not want to direct and lead her family? Does her husband step forward? Oh, no! If a Mother refuses to take up her rightful authority, there is a scramble amoung the lower women ranks. One of the Daughters must step up, and it is not an easy responsibility! Not only must she organize and direct her own, extended family, but she is also in charge of communicating with other Matriarchs and their families. There is no end to the delicacies of communication and shoulds and should-nots, and without seeing her own Mother perform the duties, it is very difficult for that daughter to smoothly take the controls of the Family.

If no one is found that can take this responsibility, than the family falls apart into smaller grouplets, into manageable sizes, and the family growth starts again. Tragically, certain connections and victories gained by the previous Matriarch are lost.

What if one of the women marries into a family where the Men are in charge?

I know this is a sensitive subject in America. Women earned the right to be citizens and to vote and to not be considered lesser persons before my time. Now Women want to be seen as equal in all situations, when the Family is essentially set up for one to rule (ultimately) and one to bow the head. I am not saying the Husband and Wife don't serve equally or each put in 100% for the benefit of their families, I'm talking about the Final Say.

Amoung men everywhere, the idea of wife telling them what to do is a subject of much teasing. There are some nasty name-calling for men who have to call their wives before making a purchase or a decision. Many men who are living in Matriarchal societies would not admit it to their friends and co-workers (although there are always those honest souls who do.) But sometimes, more and more rarely, a Man actually thinks he's in charge! He thinks he has the final say! He actually believes his opinion matters when faced with the oposing Matriarch! What does a woman in such a situation do?

The first answer is that the retired Matriarch will pull such a wife to the side and make small suggestions on how to control her husband. To such Great Women there is no response. They are retired, after all, and hold no real authority, so it is best to smile and nod to such suggestions.

I think, however, nearly every woman in the US would strive to find a way to do just that, figure out how to control her husband.

But what about the Woman that believes differently? What about the Woman that believes her husband should make choices and decisions? What about the Woman that DOES it in the face of such a Matriarchal society! First, she is submitted to rejection and derision from the woman around her. She is treated like a half-rate Woman with no vision or backbone. She is quietly ridiculed. The responses are as subtle as the Rule is, behind men's backs, in language children don't understand.

So, who is stronger? The Woman who Submits? Or the one who accepts her Command? Back in the Garden of Eden after Eve and then Adam ate the forbidden fruit, God cursed. He cursed the snake, He cursed the earth, and then He had some words for Eve... "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." I think that at that very moment Eve was no longer content to "help" her husband, to let him be "in charge". I think from that moment a Matriarchal system was born quietly in her heart to rule her husband some how, some way. I think every woman after Eve has had to it inside her. God took Woman's contentment away, but we can go to Him and get it back! (I challange you to attempt it!)

I have been submitting to my Man, letting his decisions be "ours" and facing womanly ridicule that he cannot see for my decisions. (And it's actually a constant battle.) Recently, however, the Matriarchal baton was thrust into my hands, as well. Do I let it fall and lose beloved family connections? Or do I step up and direct in a position of secret authority? I don't know how I will do them both, submit to my husband and rule the family, and maybe it's not possible, but right now I think it's worth a try!

Inner Plagues

Everybody struggles with something.

There's the 7 great Principles that are hard to perfect - not because they're hard to study, identify or act out, but because everyone has blindspots, and it's hard to work on what you can't see. Then there's those 3 root sins. At least if you know what your weaknesses are, you can keep an eye out, right? Well, my issues start with Pride, which is so, so ugly and hard to root out, requiring constant weeding, anyway. I struggle with Perfectionism, too, which looks like pride sometimes.... I mean, when I ought to be admitting fault and humbling myself before someone, my brain is scrambling trying to figure out what I did 'wrong' so that I won't DO it again, as if I committed a fixible action vs. blurted out of the heart. It looks the same, maybe, which is only worse for me. I hardly need encouragement to be hard on myself, either, 'cause my other big issue, from the Principles, is Self-Acceptance. I never figured out how to accept my inner self as a kid. When Self-Acceptance is discussed, it's usually referred to the outer person, and I suppose there are a lot of people who look in the mirror and struggle with Acceptance. I didn't look in a mirror... I don't know where I looked. I took every reprimand, every suggestion, every hint as a conclusion that I hadn't got "it" right, and for some reason, all that ever mattered to me was getting it "right". Maybe that's a problem, too. Or... maybe "it" isn't about what's a problem or what's right or should-be's at all... the idea of which completely blows my line of thinking out of the water! But no wonder I fight with Pride if I think I'm doing stuff Right! So... I really do need to let go of Judging and let God alone sit on that seat. How to accept myself, so I can accept those I love... How to live in Love instead of rights and wrongs... how to let go of Perfection as an attainable goal and put on Christ's Righteousness instead... I know I can't do it on my own, and I wish I wasn't struggling with the thought in the middle of so many important things... like calling banks about refinancing. Speaking of which, I need to make a few phone calls now, and then pick up my house - again.

Nov. 13

Wow... so, the Refinance did NOT go through! And this time, there was no window of a chance to try and climb through. That was NOT the answer I was expecting, and I don't feel ready, yet, to let that be the final answer. ("Is that your final answer?" "um, no..... wait a sec") Today I must push on any nook and cranny I can find. Going into this Maaco we need those lines of credit freed up... and available to spend! Just in case, you know.

Today may be the day that the Maaco build begins! Jeremy is so excited, but I'll believe it when I see it. Brett said there'd be excavator machines on the site TODAY. No one mentioned the "ground breaking" ceremony or party or anything like that. Maybe they want to be a little further along... or maybe it's taken so long to get started, everyone just wants to get going and quit hanging up the process! Yea, definitely.

The bath tub yesterday was a redo and a doozey. But it's done now.

I met with Aidan's teacher. He's doing so well at school in all subjects, but he's crazy about science. That's really cool! He doesn't know, yet, that Aunt Kristi caught him a real scorpian in Mexico and will bring it up with her at Christmas time! It may even still be alive! (yikes!)

Trish came over last night - it was pretty crazy around here. I fixed mac and cheeze for dinner, which was weird. No one was very hungry 'cause we all ate at 3:00 - bowls of cereal and stuff. Well, it was crazy...

...and we all went to Kidmo and LifeGroup. Camten threw up in class, so he was with us most the night. ("No, Mom, I spit DOWN.")

LifeGroup was great fun. About families...

Prayer for Today

Who am I, O Lord God? Who is the Armstrong Family to You that You have brought us this far?

And yet this was a small thing in Your sight.

Now what more can we say to You? For You, Lord God, know Your servants. For Your word's sake, and according to Your own heart, You have done all these great things, to make Your servant know them.

Therefore You are great, O Lord God. For there is none like You, nor is there any God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears.

And who is like Your people, like the Armstrong family that You have redeemed for Yourself to make for Youself a name - and to do for You great and awesome deeds - before Your people in the Portland Metro Area. For You have made us Your very own forever, and You, LORD, have become our God.

And now, O LORD God, the word which You have spoken... do as You have said. Let Your name be magnified forever.

O Lord God, YOU ARE GOD, and Your words are true, and You have promised goodness to Your servants.

Let it please You to bless us today...

Let the building of the Maaco begin, just as You have encouraged us all along the way, that You have been with us and would stengthen us and not abandon us on our quest.

Today, O Lord, let the Refinance go through so that our endeavors until now are paid for by this wonderful land You gave us and so that we don't jeapardize this land with our new business deals.

God, we pray that the Gresham house would be a blessing to us, and that the Permits would be released by the City of Gresham today. Rebuke those officials that put stumbling blocks in the way of innocent builders!

O God, today let the Milwaukie house progress smoothly, let the mud be applied to the walls, give the gutters and dowspouts speedy progress on their way here so we can paint inside and out. Prepare the heart of the buyer, LORD, we have created a vessel in which You can pour out Your blessing upon us! Do not withhold Your blessing of a buyer when the time is ripe! Soften their heart now to offer us full price!

Lord, today you know that Jeremy will be fixing a tub refinish. God, steady his hands, give him Your wisdom and sight for the tub and the owner, Lord, straighten the path in front of him and bless this refinishing business so that we can get to the Maaco, Lord. I know this is not what You called us to do, but bless it until we can put our hands to the work we long to do.

Lord, let me ask more of you, too! Heal Camten quickly! Don't let this cold harrass him any longer! And rebuke the devourer that would spread this strep throat in our house!!! Don't let sickness touch Trinity or Shad or Jeremy or I! Let Aidan and Camten both recover quickly and stay healthy! Help me remember my errands. Help me to quickly tackle my duties with joy.

And now, O Lord GOD, You are God and Your words are true, and You have promised goodness to Your servants.

Now, therefore, let it please You to bless us today, that we may continue forever before You; for You, O Lord GOD, have spoken it, and with Your blessing let the dealings of Your servants be blessed forever.

-my version of II Samuel 7:18-29